Oversharing With Your Partner

Remember back at the beginning of your relationship when it was all new, fresh and exhilarating? When it was still excitingly awkward being naked around each other? Before you stopped waxing your bikini line? Before poo and periods were acceptable topics of conversation and before the first dreaded fart slipped out in bed (hopefully it wasn’t you)?

I do. I like to think of it as the ‘sacred phase’ of the courtship. It’s a really special time in a new relationship, the brief stage before you realise your new boyfriend is really just a big fart machine who scratches his bum when your Mum’s over.

Back when Rob and I were still in our sacred phase if I needed to go to the loo at his place I’d wait until he was distracted and nip off to the bathroom, before closing AND latching the door. I’d roll up toilet paper in a little bundle and put it in the toilet bowl so that when I pee’d it wouldn’t make any noise hitting the water. I KNOW, WTF?

Oh how things have changed since then.

I remember the end of our sacred phase like it was yesterday. We were at the sleeping overnight part of our relationship and one morning I was having a shower before work. I’d done my toilet business with the shower running so he couldn’t hear (that old trick, ladies I know you get it) and with the windows wide open having already sprayed deodorant before I got in just in case he smelt anything and thought something awful about me like ‘wow she poos like everyone else in the world does’. As I was in the shower and had my hair in a lather, all of a sudden Rob just swings the door open unannounced and before I could yell “GET THE FUCKARDI RUG OUT OF HERE”, he sat down on the toilet.

And proceeded to do a poo.

He didn’t ask, he didn’t tell me what he was about to do, he just did it. So of course I did what you do in a new relationship, I just carried on washing my hair and pretended nothing had happened.

And it became very clear that our sacred phase had just come to an end.

Fast forward fourteen years and four children later there is nothing sacred in our relationship. Nothing. He can’t possibly do anything more disgusting or off putting than I’ve already seen him do and considering I’m the one who had four babies I’d say that goes for me as well.

These days I have only one rule. He’s never allowed to use my bathroom. Ever. I don’t think it’s unreasonable given the brutal and traumatic way he ended our sacred phase all those years ago.

Is there anything sacred left in your relationship?