Just today

A really cool thing happened to me today.

I was at CrossFit just doing my own thing and noticed someone there I hadn’t seen before. She ended up being my partner for a particular workout we were doing and we got chatting.

She came right out and asked me if I’d just moved back from London and when I said yes she told me she has too and that she reads my blog. The novelty of a stranger telling you they read your blog never ever wears off!

Also the joy in meeting someone else who has lived in London for a long time and moves back to Australia never wears off either. There is an unspoken way you look at each other .. I understand, without you even saying anything.

Living in London for many years has a profound impact on you. Life changing. My struggle with the anticipation of moving back here and then the reality of it is well documented in this blog. I stopped writing about it a few months back because like all humans I struggle with wanting to ‘be liked’ and thought people were sick of hearing me whinge about how much I missed London.

My new friend today and I ignored what we were lifting and supposed to be doing and started talking about how life is being back in Australia and when she told me it has only been four weeks for her, my hair stood up on end and I had to touch her arm sympathetically and tell her I understand how she’s feeling.

If it hadn’t been totally weird I probably would have hugged her and had a wee sob right there in the gym.

She told me she googled people who have left London and moved to Sydney about 18 months ago and found my blog and has been reading it ever since. I really hope I didn’t traumatise her too much with the post I wrote before I moved back that mentioned how the thought of living in Australia again had made all my hair fall out.

She laughed when I told her I had to have therapy to help me prepare for the descent down under and nodded in agreement rather than taking a couple of steps sideways like others have been known to do.

Anyway we’ve swapped numbers and are going to catch up again. I feel like I have met a kindred spirit!

In other news, I’ve had a really tough three months with depression. Again I have hardly blogged about it for fear of people not liking what I’ve written and not wanting to read my blog anymore, something I really need to work on and get over. I think I’ve finally realised that only writing about the good and funny things that happens in life make it look like I live a life that isn’t entirely true.

The past three months have seen the darkest days I’ve had in years. I don’t know why these episodes happen to me but it has been three years since the last one and to be honest one was due. The difference being that this time around I didn’t have alcohol to numb myself with having given up drinking the last time this happened to me.

So I am thrilled to report that the fog is lifting and the end of the tunnel is in sight without me needing to drink again. Sobriety is in tact and I need to congratulate myself on that.

Most people don’t realise how much they self medicate with alcohol. Stressful day? Have a drink. Kids driving you crazy? Have a drink. Partner annoying you? Have a drink. Money worries? Have a drink.

I can’t do that. I have to find other means to deal with stress and depression. I have to feel it and it’s new to me still. My whole life I’ve used something to get me through it .. whether it be alcohol, food or something else. It has taken me the best part of forty one years to see the pattern and I am so blessed to have found it during my lifetime because most people don’t.

Living a sober life is rare and hundreds of thousands if not millions of people worldwide seek it and never find it.

So there you have it. My day. My thoughts. No editing. No looking at what I’ve written and worrying what people will think.

Just me.