Christmas Day In Review

We survived Christmas. For us it’s an easy one because both our families live in Australia, therefore Christmas Day is our own. We actually really like it, there’s never any argument over whose family we’ll spend it with and I don’t even have to brush my hair if I don’t want to. Or get dressed even. Plus it’s extra special just having the six of us together.

As usual the kids got up early and ripped open enough presents to turn our house into a potential fire hazard. I took a photo of the aftermath ..

Next we got the chainsaw and axe out so we could get the kids’ toys out of the packaging (why do toy manufacturers do that?), then once we’d inserted a few thousand batteries the kids were as happy as pigs in poo and I snuck off to prepare lunch.

Now with four kids I have become the queen of convenience and since I live in the land of convenience we had a convenient christmas lunch. Who could be arsed spending hours and hours preparing something I can buy online and have delivered the day before?

I don’t know why anyone in England would ever bother cooking their own turkey when you can go to Marks and Spencer and buy the most amazing turkey crown with caramelised chestnut stuffing. You just take the plastic off and put it in the oven for however long the packet says. It even comes in its own tray.

It was DELICIOUS! … but then again I grew up in a family where it was the norm to cook roasts in the microwave. In fact until recently my Mum still did. Their oven broke and they went without one for five years because they claimed they didn’t need it. True story.

So we ate our convenience turkey with the matching convenience bread sauce, gravy and cranberry sauce in a tub from M&S, plus Tesco goose fat potatoes in a packet from the freezer section and yorkshire puds … you guessed it, in a packet. I did however cook some brussel sprouts all by myself because I’m obviously such a Martha.

And who could forget the ham? I bought it from M&S too, expecting it to be convenient – the take plastic off and cut it up variety. So I did that and (as you do) started putting one slice on the serving plate then giving one slice to our dog, Peanut, then putting one slice in my mouth.

As I was carving it, I noticed it looked different to normal ham and I figured it was just because it was a really posh and expensive ham but after I ate about ten slices of it I noticed the sachet of seasoning that fell out of the plastic and so I read the instructions.

The ham was raw. I was eating RAW FUCKING HAM.

So I assessed the situation and whipped my iPhone out and googled what would happen to me if I ate raw pork. Bad idea, according to some you can get worms and die. I even thought maybe I should make myself vomit to expel the poison sushi ham, but that’s just gross and I had a nice dress on.

Therefore I came to the conclusion that Peanut had eaten as much as I had and he is about 10 times smaller than me so if he started vomiting his Chrissy lunch up on the kitchen floor then I’d head to the loo for some fingers down the throat action.

Apart from that it was pretty smooth sailing, and neither the dog or I yakked up our lunch.

How was your Christmas? Eat any raw ham?