Christmas and Black Dogs

Yesterday I was in David Jones and stumbled into this. So I guess it must be christmas soon?

Correct me if I’m wrong but don’t we still have Father’s Day, Halloween & Melbourne Cup merchandising to totally exploit before the big fat bearded one visits?

Obviously nobody was shopping in there, people just kept arriving at the top of the escalator, doing a double take at all the christmas trees and carol singing before getting their smart phones out to take a photo.

Except me. I bought another handbag while I was there.

It’s going to be my favourite decoration on our tree this year. In three months time when I’ll be thinking about christmas next.

Anyway it was a bit of amusement for the day. Not much has been amusing me lately, that horrible black dog has been chasing me around and it has been a rough couple of weeks.

I’ve written several posts about it and then emailed them to friends asking them if they think I should publish them and then I totally chicken out and they remain in my blog drafts.

I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to blog about depression when I’m experiencing it. I guess I don’t trust my own head and once anything is on the internet it’s there forever.

Last week after some time away from social media I posted something on Instagram with a hashtag about depression and I was unfollowed in droves. How sad is that? How bonkers is the world when we are still frightened of people who suffer from depression? IT’S 2014 PEOPLE, not the freaken dark ages.

A very good friend of mine whose opinion I greatly value said to me after I’d emailed her my latest heart pouring, “I’m a big fan of speaking my truth”. What she said has been dancing around in my head for a couple of days but there is so much about my story that I’ve never written about and I’m just not sure about sharing it.

So I’m not going to post any of them. They’ll stay in my blog’s vault for me to read at a later date.

But you know what? Sometimes that’s enough. Sometimes just writing something and not posting it is just as good as sharing it. For my head anyway.

In the meantime. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

17 Responses to "Christmas and Black Dogs"

cathy says:

27/08/2014 at 8:34 pm

The sooner people realise that the brain is like any other organ in the body and sometimes it too needs fixing, the better. If you have a liver issue you take meds, if your pancreas doesn’t work properly you take insulin. No difference whatsoever!
People need to get rid of their preconceptions that people with depression are not normal. They are and most of them are bigger than everybody else for seeking help!!
Rant over, as you were, Merry Christmas!

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1. Steph says:
  
  27/08/2014 at 8:37 pm
  
  Amen to that! Couldn’t agree more. Maybe if depression came with a big nasty rash we’d take more notice. The stigma attached to depression continually saddens me. Merry christmas to you too. Hope you’ve done all your shopping x
  
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  1. cathy says:
    
    27/08/2014 at 8:42 pm
    
    Of course……..not! I’m a last minute person!
    
    Reply
Philippa says:

27/08/2014 at 9:37 pm

‘Unclean, unclean….’ That is how I felt for quite a long time, until I realised that I had to worry about myself and not how others perceived me during or after a period of having my very own ‘black dog’ following me. So sorry yours has been present for too long, hope things get better for you asap. Sending you lots of love.
Right, better get back to writing my Christmas cards…. xxx

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1. Steph says:
  
  28/08/2014 at 8:19 am
  
  It’s a really weird time when you’re in the thick of it. I’ve been down this road enough times to know I can become irrational and my head can tell me things that aren’t the case, so I try not to react or write/say anything that I may regret. Wishing you were closer hun, I could do with some Bishops Park therapy with you xx
  
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  1. Philippa says:
    
    28/08/2014 at 8:35 am
    
    Irrational – whatevs! You do well to get up & feed your beautiful children. So write down all & sundry – I have a fair few scribblings hidden away. When times are sunnier, it is ‘interesting’ to read what dark & horrifying thoughts I had. Only wish I had the intelligence to write positive things down during those sunnier times to read during the ‘black dog’ days/weeks …. Which you do do in your blog. Bishops Park will be here in April. Xxx
    
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Revived London says:

27/08/2014 at 11:50 pm

Well done you for writing them in the first place. As you say that’s half the battle. Ignore the people who are ignorant, they’re just not worth it. Your true friends will support you through thick and thin. Love you enormously xxx

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1. Steph says:
  
  28/08/2014 at 8:20 am
  
  And how blessed am I to have friends like you? SO BLESSED. Love you chicken x
  
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Shannon says:

28/08/2014 at 12:31 am

I write in a notebook all the time for no one to read. It’s my way of getting it out of my head. Anxiety and OCD. It helps, a ton.
Happy holidays! All of them, apparently.

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Stephen says:

28/08/2014 at 1:43 am

I’m sorry to hear you suffer from bouts of depression Steph and I just wanted to let you know that I would never unfollow anybody for such a reason. In fact, just the opposite. I fear I shall be making matters worse however, by letting you know that – barring the unexpected – I intend arriving in Sydney around 7-9th October.

Jingle bells. 🙂

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1. Steph says:
  
  28/08/2014 at 8:21 am
  
  Oh wow!! 7-9th October, I really look forward to seeing you! I’ll definitely have finished all my christmas shopping by then too 🙂
  
  Reply
Sarah Somewhere says:

29/08/2014 at 9:37 pm

Hey Steph, I have followed you on instagram for a while now and am so glad I decided to check out your blog.
I am a big believer in telling our stories. Stigma exists because people are afraid to speak the truth and be judged for it. Believe me, I understand. I write about my recovery from alcoholism and the mental and emotional challenges which ensue. I also write about change and spiritual awakening. Some people love it and say it helps them feel less alone. Some people probably don’t, though thankfully they tend to judge me quietly.
But it’s the one person I help that makes it worthwhile. The one person who went to their first recovery meeting because I shared my story.
Depression and mental illness are rife in our society, you are not alone. The fact that it is still stigmatised is a big part of the problem. I respect you for writing about it as much as you have and understand you treading carefully for your own self-care. Just know you are not alone hon xxx

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1. Steph says:
  
  29/08/2014 at 9:58 pm
  
  Hi Sarah,
  Your comment above I’ve read over and over. I struggle massively with the stigma attached to depression and addiction. I don’t drink but I don’t write much about it. Partially for the reason you’ve listed.
  
  I really hope one day in the not too distant future, humans are kinder regarding mental illness as I often feel like we pretend as a society that we are accepting and understanding, but most people just pay lip service to that.
  
  x
  
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Susan says:

29/08/2014 at 10:02 pm

I agree with Sally, those who ditch you the second things get tough aren’t worth having in your life at all. It can be painful, but think of it as life’s laundry….you’ve simply removed the skid mark from those lovely white undies 😉

I’m sorry you’ve been feeling like this so much of late. You’ve been through so many changes recently and lost two great loves – London and running, it’s hardly surprising a lot hurts at the moment.

Like someone else has commented, depression is very real and those who battle with it are incredibly strong individuals, even if they don’t feel like it at the time.

Stay strong, hugs xx

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1. Steph says:
  
  29/08/2014 at 10:20 pm
  
  Hahahaha omg I love your white undies analogy.
  
  In hindsight I think maybe this has been brewing a while and it was probably always going to happen around the one year anniversary of leaving my beloved London. I thought by now I’d be settled but Im not and I’d still move back to the UK in a heartbeat. Adding not running due to injury to that and it’s the perfect storm of sadness. But I don’t know, to be honest I still didn’t see it coming.
  
  People are very strange when it comes to depression. Even after this long, people’s reactions still surprise me.
  
  Still laughing about the undies though …
  
  Reply
Rach aka stinkb0mb says:

07/09/2014 at 5:16 pm

“Last week after some time away from social media I posted something on Instagram with a hashtag about depression and I was unfollowed in droves. How sad is that?”

I remember the exact picture you posted and I remember it because when it had gotten to Wednesday of that week and you still hadn’t updated your Insta, I began to get a bit worried and um’d and ah’d about dropping you an email, deciding not to at that point, mainly because from experience, I know sometimes you just need that break away from social media, for whatever reason.

On the day you did post again, I was checking to see if you had and if not, was going to drop you a line, just to say that I was thinking about you and hoping you were okay. Sometimes, just knowing that someone somewhere, is hoping you’re okay, can make all the difference.

Depression is a bastard of a thing and it’s becoming so common these days, that there really shouldn’t be a stigma attached to it. Any and all mental health illnesses need to discussed openly and honestly, which will hopefully bring them into everyday conversation and remove any stigma attached to them because honestly? Anyone can [and does] suffer from a mental illness [I suffer from both depression [mildly] and anxiety [mild to severe]], it doesn’t discriminate.

I’m sorry that so many un-followed you but remember, it says more about them, than it does about you x

Reply
1. Steph says:
  
  09/09/2014 at 8:54 pm
  
  You are such a darling. Thank you, Rach. This last few weeks has taught me a lot. But sadly one of those things is that as a society we like to think we accept mental illness and that most individuals claim they are accepting of it, but they aren’t. We think we are so much better at dealing with it but people still judge and are still assholes about it. It’s only other sufferers like yourself that truly get it. It’s no wonder humans usually keep depression to themselves. It’s just so sad.
  
  Reply

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