Am I A Bad Parent?

Every single night of the week, I go to bed thinking I am a shit parent.

I go over my day, think of all the stuff that happened, all the interactions I had with my four children and I somehow come to the conclusion that maybe I shouldn’t have had kids.

Lately I’ve been battling with my son over his homework and his disinterest in it. It usually ends with me shouting a bit, and sometimes a lot – and I go to bed feeling like crap and telling myself I won’t shout at him again and to take a different tactic. Then it all happens again the next day. And the next. He is a great kid, adorable. But just isn’t in to school.

My eldest, Holly, is almost nine. She is the daughter I could only have dreamed of having. Intelligent, kind, caring and thoughtful. Yet I think this is all just coincidence and nothing to do with my parenting. I often find myself telling others about her ‘She would have turned out like that anyway, it’s nothing I’ve done’, ‘She must get it from her Dad’. I just can’t seem to see that the good things my children are, could possibly have anything to do with my parenting, despite what my long suffering therapist tells me (I’ll save him for another blog).

My kids are lovely. They are healthy, cared for and loved by two parents who also love each other.

Because I have so many kids and live in a foreign country without any family around, we are lucky enough to have some help. I have an amazing nanny, Helena, who comes a few days each week to share the load. I’m not going to lie, I can’t do it on my own and I find parenting four children difficult. Helena is everything that I’m not – patient, extremely calm, excellent with babies and she likes taking the kids to the park. Do I feel guilty for paying someone to do what I think I can’t? HELL, YES!

Some of you may ask well why did you have so many kids? Well I don’t know. But I have them and that’s that. They are my life and I love each of them so much my heart hurts.

I often wonder if I am alone? Everyone else seems to cope so well with their kids. I read blog after blog of other Mums all saying how much they love spending time with their kids and well .. fuck. Sometimes I don’t.

This all adds to my self criticism each night. The self loathing and the heartache that maybe I am a shit parent. Or maybe I’m just another Mum, doing her thing – loving, nurturing and caring for my kids as I know best.

Did I just write all that? Therapist Bob is going to have a field day.

Steph
x

14 Responses to "Am I A Bad Parent?"

onefunnymotha says:

28/09/2012 at 5:10 pm

Ummm, have you read my blog? I call for Detached Parenting for Christ sakes. Listen, those people are just pretenting they love love love every minute w/ their kids. I mean I love my kids and all, but they are seriously annoying. It’s just that we are parenting in a different (might say crazy) world that puts all this pressure on mothers (why they are only our kids when they have a father too I dont know) to be perfect and loving and happy. That’s just not the way parenting works. It’s not even the way parenting should work. All this wanting to make our kids’ lives happy and wonderful and problem-free is doing them a diservice. I’ve seen the effects in my own family. Kids don’t need another friend. They need a parent. It’s a job, one that’s not always easy or fun, but that’s how you know you’re doing it right.

Don’t feel bad about paid help. My family is in the same state as me & I don’t get any help & as a mother you need some sort of help or break. If paying for it is the only way you can get then do it that way.

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MamaMarmalade says:

28/09/2012 at 6:55 pm

You really are awesome. Thanks for this, appeciated x

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jdeneen.com says:

28/09/2012 at 7:06 pm

Your honesty in this post is amazing. I love it. The part where you said, “Some of you may ask well why did you have so many kids? Well I don’t know. But I have them and that’s that. They are my life and I love each of them so much my heart hurts.”

Profound. I’m serious. Most of us would stumble around and make excuses and question and get all upset…you just say, “I don’t know, but I have them and that’s that.”

Bravo.
-Julie

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1. MamaMarmalade says:
  
  28/09/2012 at 8:38 pm
  
  Thanks Julie. It takes quite a bit for me to blurt things like this out. I’m not great at admitting faults – but I want my blog to be as real and ‘warts and all’ as it can. Thanks for reading x
  
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2. Janine Huldie says:
  
  28/09/2012 at 11:55 pm
  
  I agree with the majority on this that your honesty is so refreshing here. I honestly don’t think you are a shit parent, because of your inner dialogue that you have with yourself. I love my kids dearly, but there are times where quite simply they drive me mad. Do I feel guilty when this is so and have no patience, hell yes! But that is what makes a good parent when you can recognize your short comings and still do all you can to make sure your kids are indeed happy. So happy to have found your blog here 🙂
  
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3. MamaMarmalade says:
  
  29/09/2012 at 7:38 am
  
  I feel so much better reading these comments. As Mums I think we’re riddled with guilt a lot of the time – for whatever reason. Maybe that make us better parents than we think we are?
  
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lifestooshorttoplaypossum says:

01/10/2012 at 2:51 am

We all feel like crappy parents sometimes. (You obviously didn’t read my blog post from yesterday, please stop by..it is very relevent to your feelings today.)..we do what we can. We do the best we can. Sometimes we have to take a step back and try another way. We aren’t perfect. I have 3. I also have a decent gap in ages 20, 14, 11..all boys. We have our share of problems and issues. It’s part of being a parent. None of us are perfect.

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1. MamaMarmalade says:
  
  02/10/2012 at 7:12 am
  
  I loved your post yesterday. So honest and definitely something to be very proud of. Really appreciate you reading my blog.
  
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kim at allconsuming says:

05/10/2012 at 1:23 am

OK, so you and I are basically cut from the same cloth. In the end I’ve had to tough love myself with the self-loathing and depreciation. In your best Dr Phil voice ask yourself “how’s that working for you?” Because when I asked myself it wasn’t making me a better parent, it wasn’t changing how I parented, it was just driving myself further and further into the ground. I stopped trying to work out why I did it, I’m just made that way. Instead, I have just focused on what it was about my parenting that was not where I wanted it to be. You know what it basically came down to? Not reading to them at bedtime. That was it. The rest of it – the not liking doing craft with them, the hatred of the park, the letting them play too much xbox/computer – surprisingly did not matter. So. SNAP OUT OF IT LADY. Chunk it down. What is really bugging you? Then work on that. Also, go read this: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allison-tate/mom-pictures-with-kids_b_1926073.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

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1. MamaMarmalade says:
  
  05/10/2012 at 7:09 am
  
  I have such a long way to go on this one. Same person in the white coat I talked about in my running post has a field day on this – my self loathing and my ability to be the ultimate self criticiser. So much work to do in this area. And your ‘not reading to them’ is my ‘I pay someone to walk my third child to his swimming lesson’. wtf? We are mental.
  
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Molley Mills says:

19/10/2012 at 6:05 pm

You sound perfect to me!
I totally relate to being on your own in a foreign land with children. We have 3- 22,12 and 8. Aussies living in NYC.
Don’t beat yourself up, this parenting gig sucks sometimes but then they come over and hug you and tell you they love you and all the shitty feelings disappear.
They love you Mamma, remember that 🙂

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1. Stephanie says:
  
  19/10/2012 at 6:39 pm
  
  Why thank you! Wow, NYC. My absolute favourite city on earth. Thanks so much for reading 🙂
  
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katie says:

24/03/2013 at 4:20 am

WOW! you just don’t know how refreshing it is to read this! I have gotten so sick of so many other moms painting the perfect, pretty pictures of their motherhoods that I actually try to avoid other moms! I was beginning to think maybe I really am bonkers for needing breaks/getting frustrated! I do the same thing when I go to bed each night, its awful! I really appreciate you! I cant remember the last time I took such a big sigh of relief 🙂 🙂 🙂

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1. Steph says:
  
  24/03/2013 at 7:07 am
  
  I think there are a lot more mothers like us, it’s just that most of them are to embarrassed or afraid to admit it. Really glad to have been of some help. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it’s the one thing I’ve learned in my 10 years of parenting (I’m still crap at not beating myself up though!). Thanks for reading x
  
  Reply

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